why i don't date white guys

Years ago when I was in school I had these two friends Adam and Cory. They were the kind of white guys I hate now...loved hip hop and thought that made them "down", called each other "bro", you know the type. I really only tolerated them because Adam was a) biracial and b) cute.

Anyway, these dudes were responsible for the only two experiences I’ve ever had with white guys - which is amazing if you consider that I grew up in London Ontario. One was the fabulous Bobby who kissed me for the first time in his parents' bathroom next to the Elvis clock and with whom I got down 'n dirty in his jeep on the grounds of Brescia College - where the nuns live in London.
I know - I was scandalous.

Anyway, the other we'll call JP. And JP was, well, straight up whiter than the whitest white man. Let’s take a look:

He was from PEI
He played hockey
He had some kind of mullet

But ole JP had two things going for him: he was adorable and he was riding my jock hard. So yeah I let him take me out a couple of times and yes I went home with him one night.

We lay on his bed and it was lovely. Oh, so lovely. Until JP had um, an equipment malfunction?
"Poor thing" I thought. Because as embarrassed as I was, I knew he had to be absolutely mortified.
"I’m sorry!" he nearly sobbed. "I’m so sorry!"
"It’s okay" I murmured encouragingly. I really felt bad for him

Until this:
"I’m so upset! I waited my whole life to be with a black girl and here you are and look!"

(gesturing southward)

Um, yeah. so not only have you wasted my time, and left me with blue "balls", but you thought it was a good idea to tell me I’m the living manifestation of some massa-mammy fantasy you've been harbouring?!?

I was not impressed. But not wanting to kick a "man" when he's down (literally), I calmly got up and left, not letting on just how much I wanted to smack his pasty face.
but then
but THEN
but then he never called me!